When It’s Too Late To Divorce
By: Mark Banschick
Recently the case of a woman by the name of Selamawit Negasi’s brutal murder resurfaced. The trial is ongoing. Negasi’s husband himself confessed to the gruesome murder when he turned himself into the police and revealed the location of the mutilated remains. The daughter of the couple, Elan Negasi, testified that the night before the murder, her mother confided in her to tell her that she finally made an appointment with a divorce attorney, to end her 28-year marriage.
At first glance, it seems pretty easy to conjecture that the cause of the murder was a fit of uncontrollable rage. But where does rage like this come from? What brings about this all-encompassing anger?
In this extreme case, the rejection of his wife probably triggered Tsfai Negasi to attack because he felt abandoned. People like this deal with rejection by going on the offense. They are angry. They are wounded. And, unfortunately, instead of growing up and dealing with their issues, they aim to destroy what they believe is the source of their pain.
We classify people like Mr. Negasi as avengers. Revenge is a powerful motivating force that surfaces when they feel attacked. And, avengers are so damaged that they often misperceive rejection as an attack. Rejection is just rejection. It is a bad experience for anyone who has experienced it, but it is not necessarily an attack. For the avenger, however, he or she is psychologically assaulted, which triggers a fight or flight response. Tragically they choose to fight; they don’t just want to yell or scream – they want to destroy.
Mild forms of the avenger are more common, but either way, this behavior is unacceptable. We see people calling Child Protective Services when they know their spouse hasn’t abused the kids, calling the police when they know their ex hasn’t been threatening or poisoning the children against their other parent, because they can get away with it. They feel frustrated and they attack rather than absorbing the shock, and grieving their loss.
There are many factors that can cause people to want retribution. First, the rejection of divorce can reawaken an insecure relationship as a young child. Some people have psychiatric problems that reoccur because of the stress of rejection or act out while drinking or abusing drugs. And, some people simply have few precious tools to deal with hurt, frustration or anger – violence is a fail safe of sorts. Ultimately, it all comes back to the same issue. When a person feels rejected, they take it as an attack.
So, what can you do? A successful divorce means protecting the innocence of your children. Punishing your ex for the sake of revenge will hurt your children and you may get yourself into legal trouble, or worse, for doing so.
If there is a violent trend in the relationship, in cases like the example of Ms. Negasi, it is usually a good idea to seek out professional help right at the beginning. You can tell your soon to be ex the bad news in a public place, where the immediate threat of violence is reduced. You can work with an attorney and get a restraining order or come up with other strategies to deal with the avenger’s predicable anger. The key is to be realistic and hopeful that if the acute moment passes, he will refrain from doing the unthinkable.
Perhaps divorce might have been the best solution early on. As difficult as the thought of divorce is, domestic violence is always wrong. Always. No husband should ever harm his wife or vice versa.
About the Book:
Book One in The Intelligent Divorce Series, “Taking Care of Your Children” (2010) — Like it or not, divorce is often unavoidable. But it doesn’t have to destroy relationships between ex-spouses, nor among parents and their children. The Intelligent Divorce is a groundbreaking blueprint for negotiating the complicated and sometimes unbearable landscape of spousal dissolution with grace, compassion, and wisdom. Developed over the course of a decade and based on hundreds of case studies, The Intelligent Divorce teaches healthy and effective communication strategies intended to ensure personal integrity while committing parents to protecting the innocence of their children. It’s a must read if you’re getting divorced and you have children. Inside The Intelligent Divorce: -Your Child’s Bill of Rights -When, What, and How to Tell the Kids -Strategies for Parenting When Under Stress -Raising Responsible Children during a Divorce -How to Spot Developmental Risks with Your Children -The Ten Commandments of an Intelligent Divorce -Plus a Bonus Chapter: “Creating a Parenting Agreement”
Book Two, “Taking Care of Yourself” (2011) revolves around you- the greatest asset your kids have. Despite the inevitable power struggles you may have with your ex, if you do the hard work of staying healthy, centered, and focused on your children’s well-being, you’ll be pleasantly surprised by how well they’ll do. After all, they want to see their mom and dad happy, positive, and when possible communicating effectively with each other. And if you’re raising your children alone, this book, along with Book One, will help you become a positive role model for your kids. We will equip you with the necessary tools to better understand your situation, handle it to the very best of your ability, and come through it not only intact but healthier, as an individual and as a parent. Book Three, Dealing with a Difficult Ex, is scheduled to come out in 2012.
The Intelligent Divorce Online Course: As an adjunct to the book series, we will be offering “The Family Stabilization Course,” a video-based online course scheduled to launch later this summer, based on the principles found in the book series that are crucial.
(see divorce.http://www.familystabilizationcourse.com/v2)
The mission of The Intelligent Divorce is to help divorcing parents avoid the common mistakes that often hurt children during a divorce. The Intelligent Divorce advocates on behalf of kids with books, an online course, seminars and a media campaign. To learn more about the author and his book: www.TheIntelligentDivorce.com
